decisions ..., you do are dependent
on your need to suffer all the time.
i am disgusted from my actions,
terrified from ability to cause pain.
yet i hurt myself again tonight,
to create another fucking nightmare.
my ways out appear to be the opposite,
another nail in the coffin of yours.
I deflect all the time, even when I
write,
it's not YOU for once, it is only ever
I.
I loose, because I choose not to
succeed,
oh yes I fed the anger in sweat and
steam.
Must I torture myself on my sick fetish
game,
holes create holes, that I dig again n
again.
I thought I am going to be me, live me,
bit I just kicked myself in the balls
again.
Decisions ..., I have to be reminded
I have done the most important 5 years
ago.
I swear in this rain washed my demons
away,
and I will be the one, the ONE, for you,
me, us.
Shame I will carry around to show me,
that desires are not real, even when I
come.
Private moments of desperation,
fantasies
can not be lived, when I despite
realizing them.
I created my biggest demon I thing at
least,
honesty is not a redemption, I will pay
one day.
Just I hope I can pay in currency of
kindness,
not to be driven in lonely eternal
madness.
I truly am sorry and apologize to
myself,
ridiculous silly and weak, shaking
shame.
I can sense the defeat and I will enjoy
it,
as it will be the last one and i am
ready to pray.
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