Slzy pre niečo a nič, 24/01/2013

Slzy sa pomaly tlačia vzadu,

za očami, ktoré zdobia vrásky,

ich smútok bráni v prieniku

akoby už plakali dovnútra.

Zvierač sa mení vo zverák

nekompromisne stupňuje objatie

akoby chcel z vnútra

vyžmýkať všetku nechuť.

Mozog rieši nerovnicu gramatiky,

ktorá má viac neznámych ako známych,

po 3 rokoch, od amnestovaného je tu pomoc,

svedomie, vedomie už nevládze odporovať.

Láska je nespochybniteľná konštanta

„aj tak som nemal udeliť amnestiu“,

prekvapenie zamestnáva logiku,

ktorú sa snaží prehlušiť výčitka.

Trpezlivosť ocitla sa pred múrom,

so zvláštnym pocitom že ju niekto sleduje,

náladu hýbu a menia ju akordy,

spytujem a spochybňujem vlastnú logiku.

Strácam prehľad v rozhádzaných prioritách,

neviem za ktorý tím vlastne hrám,

nešťastie sa ma snaží omotať

a ja sa za jeho prítomnosť hanbím.

Pripadám si sám keď sa poobzerám,

niet sa komu vyplakať na pleci,

ťažko hľadám stratenú dôveru,

ktorú som nechal na ceste k tvojmu šťastie.

Nechcem sa pýtať znova prečo,

ale aj tak sa pýtam bez slov,

ticho sa snažím pochopiť dôvod,

prečo slovo dokáže tak ublížiť.

Aké je to mať naozaj z niečoho radosť?

Márne pátram v spomienkach,

s hrôzou zisťujem že neviem!

Všetko mi pripadá ochrnuté.

Another, 8/8/2011

Another part of the world,

trying to live the dreams,

that doesn’t exist I was told,

I’m not so lost now, it seems

Have to master the art of act,

in order to come closer,

I have to become blind to stay in tact

and exist next to all the posers.

Fall to rise is the price I pay,

all this will be forgotten,

unless my soul will disobey,

inside of me there is something rotten.

What we live is what we choose,

surrounded by the silent lies,

all these maskt I’m gonna loose,

leav you alone in the endless tries.

Point you finger if you dare,

say your thoughts you never had,

you lost your word and just stare,

now you lost, nothin more to add.

I rised from the as of your hopes,

had to break through all your walls.

Lived the life with which you can’t cope.

Now I’m on the top, so point if you got the balls.

Slovenčina, 23/2/2005

Gramatický a patetický život v jednom druhu vety,

celý život je krížom podčiarknutý červenou farbou,

je to krv všetkých omylov a chýb,

ktorá zostala na miestach zlých rozhodnutí s nevedomosti

chamtivosti a silného povlaku neschopnosti niečo dokončiť.

Život ako Pán profesor s veľkou sadistickou chuťou

každú chybu mi vykričať, za každú ma potrestať, každú mi vrátiť,

ale bez pomoci, bez usmernenia, bez vysvetlenia.

Vidieť iba jeho zvrátenú chuť vyžívať sa v mojich chybách.

Žiacka životná knižka plná pätiek z povinného predmetu Života,

nečakané denné písomky, bez vysvetlenia učiva.

Skúšanie z kníh, ktoré si nemôžem prečítať a niet času sa učiť,

lebo žiadna otázka sa nezopakuje dva-krát.

Na tabuľu kreslíš schému svojej veľkej duše,

ale keď jej začínaš rozumieť, vyznať sa v nej a mať rád,

ten blbý týždenník ju proste zotrie a ty vyzeráš

akoby si sa zase nič neučil a z ničoho neponaučil.

Zo správania je to najhoršie, ale pre pseudo riaditeľa života,

recesia, odpor, odmietanie škatuľkovania môjho života,

ho privedie k mozgovej porážke a k zmene trvalého pobytu

na 9 stôp pod zemou, no a potom som v tom sám.

Vydám sa na cestu bez mapy a bez určenia, bez všetkého,

iba s myšlienkami, túžbami a snami,

Všetko ostatne zistím po ceste, v pravý čas a na pravom mieste.

A možno s tou správnou osobou ...

Šťastnú cestu, si prajem.

Resurrection, 4/12/2019

Resurrection is in order, from my past there is no trace and I am afraid I lost my face

death by brain, by being drained and the soul is stained, keeping me well restrained

from the year of pain, which might be in vein

the sole purpose of these lines is the awake, the negativity away to take

….

I have lost all the words, forgot to place them around my thoughts,

I imprisoned the creativity, suppressed it, I know I did not even fought,

for the cost of being sad and depraved, holding the grudges so tight,

squeezing their venom our is slowly soaking deeper, red is filling my sight.

Direction was taken away, blown away, flushed away with all the emotions

my mind became a huge, toxic dumping ground of epic proportions …,

I feel the desperation growing, but still choose to suffer in silence,

it is all on edge inside of me and often I imagine solution as a violence.

How bad I have become, how infectious can the thoughts actually be ….

poisoning everything, spreading hate, anger, frustration, desperation in me,

and growing this nothingness that cannot be filled, despite the endless tries,

I feel so crippled and frozen in this time, in this place, this life, until it dies.

I am not able to see the darkness anymore, it will end up only with the pill,

overwhelming thought, the invisible chains for life and will …. yes they can kill,

slowly pushing the blade deeper in my soul, I think I can say I am really fed up.

is courage missing? or is it the remains of hope for resurrection keeping me up.

that one thought, that appeared out of nowhere and somehow stuck around

“never give up, never back down, never let your knees touch the ground”,

I need to remind myself, that the sole purpose of these sleepy morning lines,

I hope when I finish you, more will come, flood the shit out and keep what’s mine.

One by one we will stand hold and we will fight trying to defeat all the fear,

more effort is in place, lot more to kill that beast, otherwise the end is near,

it can be the last stand, or it can be all a I lie and a way to realize I am not dead,

it just a huge misunderstanding and solution is I am only fucked up in my head.

Pravda vol 2, 18/5/2013, 13/6/2013

Nájsť pravdu je túžba,

ktorá môže všetko zničiť.

Pravda nie je náš otrok,

neprispôsobí sa nám

a našim nárokom ...

Ukazuje nám dvere,

dáva možnosť výberu.

To že je pravda iná,

neznamená že je lož,

iba nám dáva vedieť a vidieť

čo sme ochotný prehliadať

v rámci viery v lepší život.

Ten ale lepší ale nebude

ignorovaním pravdy,

tak tvoríme ilúziu šťastia,

ktorá pôsobí ako pomalý jed,

čo môže zničiť mozog, srdce, vedomie.

Svedomie môže mať problém,

ale poznanie má svoju cenu.

Pravda je ukrytá

v našich mysliach a svedomí

aj keď jej prítomnosti

nie sme si vedomí vždy.

Na rozdiel od nás

omylov sa zbavila dávno.

Pravda je pripravená sa ukázať,

čakať, ticho ...,

na akceptáciu nami, medzi nami,

je večná, prežije nás

V prachu písať bude,

nájde si nás

v modernej obývačke

môžem s ňou byť za jedno

alebo bude mojou guľou

a nechutnou spomienkou.

Podnety hlavové, 10/4/2013, 5/2/2014

Milióny podnetov, ženú sa mi hlavou,

smer strácajúc medzi hlasnou vravou.

Dominancia je vždy otázkou sympatie,

výsledok nejasný na princípe lotérie.

Wall Street v mojej hlave hlasnie,

všetkým dnu chuť kričať rastie,

hladní sú, každí chce ma viesť,

bastardi, stopári z minulých ciest.

Tlačenica v lebke, davové šialenstvo,

chaos, ušliapané bude naše priateľstvo.

Vy tu umriete aby ste znova povstali,

aj tak si vždy vedieť budem ako ste ma srali.

Praskliny z tlaku hľadajú si miesto,

ukážem im cestu ako prázdne gesto.

Zasádrujem po nich stopy, steny ako nové,

potomci myšlienok zase budú na love.

Podnety bojujú o moju priazeň,

neviem kde tie svine majú liaheň.

Nemožná v tomto prípade je genocída,

odolné sú voči všetkým druhom pesticída.

Sme ako dvojčatá siamske, navždy spolu,

bezohľadné sú, často ťahajú ma dolu.

Svetlé sú výnimky, ktoré niekam mieria,

v zmenu k lepšiemu určite oni veria.

Cestou jedinou je spojenectvo,

nebude falošné moje svedectvo.

Aj tak sa to týka všetko iba mňa,

rúčka v rúčke hurá do krajšieho dňa.

Pinball of desires, 13/11/2012

pictures, images in my head, so many

pictures, images drive me mad, madder,

my personal picture horror show,

present forever, form me to see it.

dividing me, like it divides the crowds,

impulses streaming through my body

as they bounce of the walls of surety.

could it be called pinball of desires?

i stare into the light, arguing with my mind,

unable to do what i want, fell or need,

like invisible pervert bondage session

i never agree to, buy none get on free.

good morning regrets of yesterdays,

you come in anyway, annoy me whole fucking day.

what i want and what i don’t, again.

feeling like the ball in pinball of desires.

my mind changes as the autumn weather,

ability to stay constant gone in the wind of past.

love and hate fight for me, pull me apart,

chaos without a manual, i have to write.

i can not close my eyes, as i see what i am,

what i want, drags me in like a magnet,

i can not fight it, it is in, it is part of me.

trying to avoid it like flippers in pinball of desires.

truth? reality won’t vanish, can not be erased,

dealing goes hand in hand with accepting.

it is the only chance for the high score

and not loosing in pinball of desires.

Out of body, ouf of mind, 27/9/2011, 3/3/2014

i watch the life moving around me

i hear the thoughts coming out of me

i smell the fear crawling inside of me

i taste the fury growing behind my eyes

i touch the nothing surrounding me

Like awaking after having a nightmare,

and slip right into the one that rules the day.

Drowning in the thoughts bout the things i care

Friends in my head are those who tease me

in my lonely astral out of body experiences.

I’m floating around, observing with nothing to say,

So hungry for knowledge, but short on will,

afraid I am I will starve to death discovering

the new ways with the endless dead ends.

Do I belong here? Now I’ve gone too far.

Situations when I just stare through

everything is transparent with the beats.

Moving my sight, see the realities,

only to dive just a bit deeper,

in me, in you, indeed it’s deep.

Ideas are getting sucked

n stuck on the sheet, sometimes full of shit,

come out, come out wherever you lurk.

Fill the blanks, the sight, make sense

taking me on a trip down the drain.

I might be trapped, let go I whisper.

Coma which makes order in chaos,

just flying, hovering, should I smoke?

the more I moon, less … NO WAY.

I should lead myself on the flights,

take my hand and start digging,

fly but keep the earth in sight,

Contradiction is my middle name,

but it is becoming oblivious.

Off, 4/3/2014, 4/5/2014

Where is the button? The quest is tiring.

OFF, OFF for today, back from the yesterday.

I want you OFF for once, OFF my life forever

and turned OFF instantly and immediately.

Sick repeater playing along all the time,

solo of his, an eternal one without breaks

Listen from the inside

Pushing out, no fucking doubt

I am the old man, dying

on the sofa and defenseless,

ageing can be felt so so hardening.

My mind is so tired, exhausted from bitching.

Sleeping is sleepless, constant interruption,

too weak to be angry at all anymore.

Hands hate all of the lines when

they tend to copy the thoughts,

same shit, appearance to fool you, you too.

Maybe even a day might be the same for sure.

Must?

Are you fucking insane?

Push? The eyes can still resist,

not falling out so far, but still ache

Looser in the ridiculous reflections,

ongoing ones in the loop, loops.

Yes please, tell me some more shit.

Rather I shut up, drink up, close and swallow.

Missing you can cause an addiction

The oasis, 18/9/2012, 23/11/2012

I’ve been here in a different past,

same place, same silence, same stream.

Place is not new, but the balance is,

loneliness is giving it a sense,

which will determine the future.

Silence is not new, if u choose to hear it,

is it where I’ll find the ground zero,

which will free the demon of creation.

Stream is not new, not it’s calming,

constant power and clarity of mind,

which will save me from day’s chaos.

Things stay the same, places do not change,

we evolve, they stay, we transform.

The picture changes our sight forever,

like our mind change our will.

I’ve been here with different eyes,

same table, same chair, different ash.

Table is not new, but the propose will be,

I will take the weight of forgetting of him

and keep stripping my unseen personality.

Chair is not new, not sitting on it,

cause of lost ability to walk … and talk

it is falling apart and so do I, I am afraid.

Ash is not new, newer only, burned lives,

his memory like mine goes with the wind,

covering all the dreams I once gave up.

Things stay the same, perspective is shifting,

I do look for the will, to come, to change me,

only that I do not come at all in this oasis,

the only free prisoner in this world am I.

(not) nice one, 6/9/2012

You might think ..., you might be wrong ..., you might not understand ...

and you might even not see, but ..., I cannot change you ...

I don‘t want that „honor“ people love to have in their hand

the paper is the only friend left to me, sometimes I lose even you.

My soul I didn't pick, didn’t get a chance it to choose or to change,

I was just left with it, confused and without direction but with a dream.

perfect is far away from describing me, but the truth is still out of range,

there is too much to learn and not enough time or power for help to scream.

I know I’m not easy, probably or sure i will never be any better,

different path I will choose, all the time just because I feel ... more,

one more step to knowing myself, one more page, or one more sad letter.

this is not about getting even, right or wrong, or counting the score.

If you look for answer, you have to look behind the architecture of my past,

with all the shit we have got through, the truth has changed to lies,

friends who later fed my anger, were about to enter the word I fear at last,

the one I try hard to protect you from, so far successful were the tries.

All the “not nice” words on paper, saves me the trouble of my thoughts to kill,

you I’m with every day, never left and I with you i face things that destroy me again.

There is reason for all this, one and only reason that I never doubted and never will,

the one which make you angry, which makes me busy with my brain.

You know I changed a lot, made a big journey from my nothing to knowing and feeling,

all the hard tries to stay here every day, not being dragged into that world.

sometimes it tempts, a lot, tries to lead me of the road, makes it hard to think,

but that is why the not nice stuff appears, my only help are the ink, paper and word.

But you remember, that when you look behind, you know who you gonna find,

all this stuff that is not nice and sad and ugly, will never be enough,

there is a stronger force in me, the one that was so hard to find, one of a kind,

only one which makes me love all this, even when it’s pretty rough.

Being unable to write something nice is the price that I need to pay,

the paper is here to digest all the not nice stuff a that would leave never.

all these things must leave, I don’t want to keep them inside, loose them.

But the fact, the love I intend to keep, is safe, protected, deep forever.

Forgive me for the feelings I am keeping of the paper there is just a trace

but these are the only ones that make my soul to peel.

and clean inside of me, to save my mind and to increase the space.

Where I can keep all the feelings I am sure you gonna feel.

so please don’t chase me away, because it starts me to scare,

sometimes we all suffer more or less, sometimes we need to change,

there are higher reasons, for which we cannot prepare.

this is the only thing worth to preserve, so together we can age.

Nechcem ale musím, 7/4/2014 a 6/8/2014

Nechcem ísť, ale musím,

nemusím odísť, ale chcem,

znova sa pokúšam, skúšam,

odpoveď však už dávno viem.

Chcenie vystrieda známe chvenie,

nevôľa, nevoľnosť, strach a panika,

ale poddať sa, nevzdať sa, vytrvať

je zaručene jediná správna taktika.

Žalúdok zviera výčitiek hrča,

zvyk sa bojí o svoj trón, nadvládu,

nemôžem žiť naveky bez obety,

koža je na trhu s cenou z odhadu.

Musím zotriet paru zo zrkladla

a udržat potravu v žalúdku,

tých démonov ssvojich pochovať,

neuspokojovať iba ich pohnútku.

Pochyby nevzninú bez strachu,

viem aj kd istota zase raz váha,

cenou môže byť svedomie moje,

ale aj budúcnosť celá ak zaváham.

Rozpor plní moju schránku tlakom,

trhliny zapcháva iba obraz krásna,

akcepotvať slepotu zdá sa byť nátné,

nevedomosť može byť tak slastná.

Prázdnota v obavách z toho podtlaku,

učím sa zas chodiť v zornom poli očí,

dôveru sám v seba treba si opäť zaslúžiť,

všetko sa raz asi mojim smerom otočí.